Decisions, decisions...

I am really struggling with my decision to go to law school. Well, not struggling with the decision, as I am definitely going, but struggling more with my feelings about the decision and with the implications of my decision.

I am excited about the opportunity to learn new things, and to use those new things in a career that I am more likely to enjoy than the one I am in. I love reading blogs and blawgs by current law students and attorneys because it gives me a peep into their lives. There's one in particular, Stay of Execution, that makes me feel like law is the place I'm meant to be. So I'm not worried about that part of it.

I'm also not worried about opportunities post school. If I'm in New Mexico, I have tons of family connections and professional connections (I worked for the state's senior US Senator in Washington DC for a while). This networking will virtually guarantee a great job after school, provided I don't screw it all up before then.

The things that worry me are:

  • Moving back to Albuquerque. I have never liked Albuquerque. I have never been happy in Albuquerque. We moved there from Santa Fe right as I started high school. Enough said. Right when we moved, my dad became deeply depressed, resulting in him divorcing my mother by the time I graduated from high school. So... not a lot of happy memories in Albuquerque. Besides which, the whole city just feels kind of dull and off kilter to me. It's hard to describe.
  • Leaving my friends here. I can move to new towns and make new friends. I have done it over and over and over again. But I don't want to this time.
  • Leaving my boyfriend. He is wonderful. I don't see him moving to NM. And I definitely don't see me skipping law school, even for a wonderful man. So in the very near future I have to wrestle with these feelings. And eventually, he and I will have to figure out what we're going to do. Combine that with leaving friends, moving 900 miles, and starting law school- definitely not a cake walk.
  • All change is hard. But even if I decide NOT to go, I have some serious issues here to deal with. I don't want to be a tech writer forever, so I'll need to be looking for a new career fairly soon anyway. The bf and I will probably be breaking up eventually regardless of whether I stay here or not, so more change there.

I guess I'm just feeling... maybe trapped? Like no matter what path I choose, even staying where I am, things are going to change in big and significant ways. Not that I want them to stay the same, just that I'd like to feel like I have a little more control over the process.

I also feel like I want it to happen NOW. But nothing is going to happen for a while. I'm not planning on telling people at work until I'm about a month away from moving. So I can't even talk about it. I'm a good 4 months away from actually leaving, which leaves a lot of time to obsess and agonize over the whole thing. I'd rather just go now! And get started in law school NOW.

I really am excited, I'm just trying to acknowledge the other feelings that are gurggling up alongside the excitement.

Does any of this make sense?

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